‘Why are you getting unreasonably angry?’ ‘Do you have anger issues?’ ‘You should control your anger.’ Many of you might have heard this at some part of your life. Anger has always been demonized as an unhealthy emotion. I was the angry bird of the family that the younger ones would think thrice before messing with me. At school and college, I have been omitted from the so called desirable women category because the boys used to be wary of my reaction if they approached me. Slowly, the thought that my anger is my drawback started seeping into my psyche. It took me two decades to realize that anger is after all a positive emotion if channelized in the right path. The moment I learned to embrace my anger and tamed it, my life changed. I channelised my anger positively and the transformation in my personality is unbelievable. So, the next time someone gives you an angry bird image, tell them that ‘it is because I am positive’.
Embracing my angry bird image
I knew from early on that my anger was not healthy. Though I was not aware of healthy and unhealthy emotions back then, I was well aware that my anger was destructive. If I indulge in an argument, I would be the louder one. I had to raise my voice to the highest decibel to feel the satisfaction of having an upper hand. If that was not enough, I used to unreasonably hurt my loved ones and have lost many friendships because I used to treat them as my anger release bags. I knew I was going wrong but I was helpless. When I decided to change the pattern, I initiated a new defence mechanism of not reacting to anything that would trigger me.
I was somehow convinced that by avoiding the situation, I could remain calm. The moment a trigger came my way I started reminding myself to not react. Everyone was happy to see the newly emerged version of mine. The angry bird image gave way to the patient soul. Only if I knew that I was not managing my anger but bottling it up. Result? Things reached the bottleneck and I burst out fiercer than ever before. Whoever triggered me was out of the picture because I was loud enough to overpower the thoughts of the ones around me. Everyone saw how I was behaving but no one cared to ask why.
How I changed my angry bird image in a healthy transformation?
The first step into anger management was to acknowledge that being angry was normal. As a next step, I started observing my anger and I learned the following facts about it.
- Anger helps to understand us better
- A feeling of anger enabled me to stand up for myself
- Being angry has saved me from many toxic friendships
- Anger has motivated me to push my limits
- Anger helped me in defending myself
If my anger had unimaginably positive repercussions, why was my anger materializing in a negative form? Because, for me, anger was not an emotion till then, it was an expression. My anger was not manifested in a physical form like an emotion that is being processed and expressed in a better way. The moment of this realization was bliss for me.
Since then I put a halt and ask myself, should I react this way or is there an alterative way to express my anger? More often than not I used to express unreasonable anger to my kids because it was convenient for me. I developed a pattern of escapism wherein I used to shout at my kids when I am angry with my husband. This was a prominently unhealthy pattern that I had to fight my way out of. When I followed the habit of pausing and introspecting I started behaving more reasonable and surprisingly I win every argument.
Your expression of anger depends on the person at the receiving end
Some instances, I would witness myself being angry at my partner to hide my pain. Yes! anger helps to hide the pain but this camouflaged pain could reach a bottleneck. You might have felt relieved of taking the burden out after shouting at someone who you have been suppressing your anger from. This is because it is like the pressure valve which when released, becomes loose. You heart and throat that tightens with pain will be relieved once your anger is expressed. But further you embark on a guilt trip of overreacting to the situation. To avoid such an introspective regret, you could pause and think. Journal your feelings and find better words to express them.
Anger helped me earn my position
If you ask me about the crossroad in my life, I would say it is the toxic friendship which budded after my third child was born. She broke me at different layers but my anger towards her fueled a fire to fight my way up. It is my anger towards her that pushed me beyond my limits and it acted as a manifestation and visualization meditation coupled with affirmations like ” I will show her what I am capable of”.
Every time I uttered similar lines, I was reassuring myself that I am capable of even more. My angry bird image might have changed by now, after applying the wellness programs in my own life. However, I still feel angry and I have learned to channelize my anger productively. Hence the next time you feel angry, ask yourself if it is an emotion or an expression. If it is the latter, you have won half the challenge.
You’re true, Rakhi. Anger is mostly considered by an expression of negativity within but sometimes anger does make the change we all need ah that crucial hour. We often forget that anger is an emotion that makes us face the truths of life in some different ways and it should be dealt with patience.
I can so relate to this. Everyone told me all the time that my anger is my doom. I have worked on it so hard that now I feel guilty when I get angry. However, having said that anger has always been my motivation to do better. It pushes toxic people out of my life and opens new thought processes. Sometimes, anger is good, on a regular basis, it can be destructive. Really depends situation from situation. Most of the times, I withdraw when angry, it helps to ease out.
Positive? Not sure if I agree with that. But, yes it can be channelized in a positive way. Or it can help you be determined to do certain things as you say.
I used to get angry at the slightest trigger. I would yell and fling my hands to hit. I was a maniac. But later, I calmed myself down and don’t get angry anymore (except with my kids sometimes when they don’t listen). I have stopped expecting everyone else (including my husband) to be a certain way or behave a certain way or to make me happy or not to say certain things, etc. Somehow my friends from 8 years have realized that they have never seen me angry. I think I went through all the emotions and then just learnt how to be LEAST BOTHERED about many things. It has helped me be content for years now.
I don’t think that anger can be channelized in a positive way. Most of the time, the angry person ruins the situation for himself and the others. My sister gets angry at every petty issue and she justifies herself by yelling loudly. When the tide is over, she tries her best to make the other person comfortable which becomes impossible many times.
I hope I’m wrong and she gets her anger issues resolved after reading your article 🙂
Hats off to you for realising that anger is a positive emotion. It isn’t easy to accept or deal with it. Strangely, anger is not a dominant emotion in my life. I never argued with my husband or shouted at my kids. I was this soft, calm person always despite life’s trials, I was never angry at HIM for giving me all this pain as I saw despair around me and I feel gratitude for what I have. I am not a saint; the maid sometimes exasperates me, but I have never shouted or screamed.
I am desperate now. Nothing I have learned about my depression is working for me. I am trying my best. I wish I could use some wellness programs and heal myself. The doctors are treating me like a guinea pig, trying out all kinds of medicines. Last week the psychiatrist prescribed me medicine for schizophrenia. On what basis? I turned to my old doctor and just asked him if I should take the medication and he said NO. It is given for madness. I am not getting better. I need help but I don’t know how to get it. I am on the edge.
I have not viewed anger in this manner before. But reading your post and experience certainly made me think. Whenever I am angry on someone, I become even more sensitive and break down emotionally. I think I can use this anger to gain strength and use it positively.
Well said buddy, channelising anger in our favour is the key. Earlier I too use to shout love but now I make it the fite in my heart which fuels me to fulfil my dreams. There is no point getting angry or shouting on others instead I wait for the right time to voice my opinion so that it can have the maximum impact rather than be a futile fight
Oh Rakhi Same pinch I am an angry bird and I am proud of my self. My anger helped me step out of my parents protective zone and choose my world which gave me the feeling of completeness. I need to show anger to just prove that the tutor my parents are sending me for coaching is not teaching in the right way. I need to show anger to get the choice to select the stream of studies I want to pursue (2nd preferred stream). I need to show anger that I need the attention from parents when I come on vacations from university or office. I need to show anger to make my mother understand that once in a blue moon appreciating me in front of others in my presence makes me feel good. I need to show anger to pursue MBA as parents were not confident about me. I need to show anger that choice of groom is not bad and perhaps better than their choice. I need to show anger in various stages in my married life to prove that I am not a doll and have emotions, patience and tolerance … stay away from insulting me and my family . The areas I mentioned where I displayed anger cannot give solutions if I remain silent so reacting on the trigger was the need of the time. But yes, now these days I get angry only when I feel I need to speak-up or else silence is a definite better choice till the time its not affecting my wellbeing. I love calmness in my life and you might have noticed I place my opinion in groups only when I feel I have a point to share which will be worthy for others to listen or else I keep gaining knowledge from the interactions going on.
Anger was never vizualized especially my anger by any of the closed relatives and family as good so far. But after reading your post I start vizualizing anger in a different perspective. Thank you for this brilliant piece of work
You are spot on dear.. never thought this way. Turning anger into motivation is a real tick. Earlier I used to shout and lose my cool though I was a funny and quirky girl, but now I found that writing helps me chill out and now nothing gets to me. Although still I get a little fired up with the kids but you know it’s important to keep them in line 😂.
I have never thought of anger as a positive emotion. So your post now makes me think. I was brought up in a joint family and was the youngest, so I had no voice, no rights. However, I got married, into a family where my father-in law and sister-in-law are the embodiments of anger and domination. At least after seeing them, I have realised how bad it can be for people around. Unfortunately, my son has inherited the ‘anger’ genes and to be honest, I’m worried that if he continues the way he is, no one might want to work with him. Though he’s very affectionate and loving, the anger shines through them all. If you know ways to help children channelise anger, do give me tips. Of course, I counsel my son every now and then, but not sure how much of that he’s processing.
Quiet an eye-opening post, Rakhi!
We all say, Gussa mat ho, don’t get angry etc but Anger is an intense emotion, we feel angry when we feel someone has done wrong to us or we don’t deserve s certain treatment. It is a form of protest. While anger itself is not bad how we express it is important and I feel sometimes it is okay to let it out in a healthy way and communicate why you feel it.
Thanks Rakhi, Well, I am an angry bird for people. But you know often I am unable to stand up for myself and then I when I have a comeback I become extremely rude, which later on starts bothering me negatively. Yup I need to embrace it but I still need to learn a lot. A Lot.
I completely agree with your perspective on the post. It’s a testament to the potential for personal growth and transformation that can come from embracing and channelizing emotions effectively. It’s a powerful message about self-awareness and the capacity for personal development, even in the face of challenging emotions.
Anger is always perceived as a negative emotion. I completely agree that bottling up that anger does more damage. Channeling the anger is key and we can decide to pick our battles. I am not an angry bird but I am quite a no-nonsense person. We are not saints.
Anger is an emotion, it’s neither positive nor negative. Most of the times it’s labeled as negative so I applaud you for standing out and labeling it exactly the opposite. I will quote you here “Because, for me, anger was not an emotion till then, it was an expression” . I like how you transformed your anger into a positive force. Especially children are unable to control this emotion and get labeled, which triggers guilt into adulthood. If taught how to channelize this emotion into energy to fuel an outcome, we can remove the stigma attached to this emotion. Great post Rakhi!
Your journey through anger and its transformation into a positive tool is remarkable. Acknowledging the power of anger and recognizing its positive effects is a significant realization. Embracing the lessons from anger and channelling its energy positively is a powerful way to move forward. great going buddy!
What a refreshing way to look at anger! I too am a very “angry” person and I find it debilitating in certain situations, but I agree that by channelising it correctly, it can be used for positive betterment.
I was so much like you growing up, Rakhi! Although, I’m glad that my family didn’t take my anger issues seriously and in fact made me laugh at them. Anger is an expression and can actually help as an encouragement. My weight loss could be a reaction of it I guess, and how well it turned out for me!
Anger is an underestimated emotion, always considered as negative. Your postvis very relatable, I read it twice.
I think I was destined to read this today, because I had an episode today that reaches the bottleneck and burst out. I needed to read this , but I know feel much better . I feel that I have expressed what I was feeling inside for while
Being angry is a part of life as we are not sages. And how we choose to express ourselves in that emotional state changes the way we look at our life. You have given a food for thought with some identifying tips of emotion and expression.
If I may add, being a fellow angry bird and an ex psychologist, anger and rage are also energy giving emotions. Ever realise how we fill up with energy when we are really angry? We end up doing a lot more physical work when angry. Interesting read!!
this is true. We have been repeadtdly told that anger is a negative emotion and often have been told to repress the emotion. I truly believe anger needs to be expressed as its an emotion that can be felt and it sure is valid.
You said it right. Anger is a positive emotion. You mentioned it right: anger needs to be channeled productively.
We control our emotional anger to make everything right, but it only worsens the condition. I appreciate and I think your suggestions will save my life. I do a few things, like go to sleep, or I have just started art journaling to express my anger and feel calm. I would definitely follow the tips as mentioned.
I can to date angry at the drop of a hat. At times I fear as I feel this is getting passed on to my kids too. They are angry kids and loose temper quickly. And now that my daughter is entering her pre-teen years I have been taking conscious efforts to channel my anger and not let it take the best of me. The first step towards this was stopping all my expectations from everyone around me and even the strangers whose paths I cross daily. This has helped me to some extent. I go quite when I feel angry as I don’t feel the energy in my body to fight back I feel let it go.
Anger is yet another emotion and should be expressed otherwise it can take the shape of violence as well.
I love that you took your anger and really channeled it! truly, anger is seen as a negative emotion, and when out of control, it can be as it causes people to act unruly . However, if you can tune into and really that that energy to stand up and power through I feel is such a wonderful utilization of this emotion.
I didn’t know that there is some positive side of anger too. I do agree with you about the real friends being there for us and all others leaving our side , this is one the best effects of anger or being angry bird.